Dear Zoey (Letter #8)

Dear Zoey,

How are you baby? Its been awhile since I wrote to you. We have been busy here. Our paperwork is all done and is in Ethiopia now. And we are just waiting.

I got to tell someone about you tonight and while it was nice getting to say your name out loud again, it still felt like another tiny pinprick in my heart because the closer we get to you, the farther away we are. The wait just keeps getting longer. Its hard not knowing an exact time frame but these things take time. Lots of time. Thats really the only thing that is guaranteed. But I know you are there and someday you will be here.

You are a part of daily conversation with your brothers and sister. Caden is learning to say your name and everything we do, every gift or activity, Ethan and Charlotte try to make you a part of. They want to save things for you or make a list of what you need. They guess what you like and what you look like and they name their babies after you. When we watch a movie, and the globe pops up at the beginning, they run and point and yell "Thats where Baby Zoey lives!" Caden points and says "Babe!"

I can't imagine what it will be like when I get to finally hold you. How different will it be from holding my other babies for the first time? Will it be just the same?

It is getting colder here.The leaves are changing colors and pumpkins are everywhere.It is my favorite season. I wonder what is going on in your life now.

I love you baby girl. I will see you soon.

love Mommy

Dear Zoey (Letter #7)

Hey Baby,

Tonight when your brothers and sister were splashing around in the bathtub, I reached in the closet and brought out the red and pink striped monkey I have been saving for you, and the blanket with the ducks on it. I hugged them real tight for a minute, because it made me feel close to you.

I love you,
Mama

Dear Zoey, (Letter #6)

Dear Zoey,

It is summer here, Six months since I wrote you first. And six months that we've been waiting on Daddy's work for one little piece of paper that is the only thing that now keeps this thing on hold.

I had a dream a couple of weeks ago that your birthmommy handed you over to me. You were so tiny. The next day we heard that the paper was ready, but it still hasn't made it home yet. I wonder why and try to be patient and not nag your daddy about it. But it is hard. I want you here.

It is hot here finally. It seems like the tail of winter lingered forever and now it is sunny all the time and sticky.

Daddy and I went on a date this weekend. Charlotte thought we were going to Africa. She asks about you every single day.

"When is baby Zoey going to get here?"
"It's taking a long time. Why is it taking a long time?"

Always the same answer to both questions; "I don't know."

Just now Charlotte is waking up and sits on my lap while I write to you. I ask her if she wants to say anything to you.

"I love her- can you say that to her?"

So do I baby girl,

xoxo Mommy

Dear Zoey, (Letter #5)

This weekend was Mother's Day here and as much as I tried to focus on having a good time, I've been thinking about you and your first mommy alot this weekend. I wish you were in this picture, not wanting to stand still.

I wish I knew your first mommy's name. "Birthmother" seems so formal and distant.

I have been thinking about how she has probably never heard of a Mother's Day, or had a whole day of being celebrated. I'm wondering if all these days and weeks and months of our extra waiting are her "just one more" days and weeks and months with you.

While we are waiting on paperwork, is she writing your features in her memory? Trying to lock away how you smell, and how soft your little feet are? The way you laugh or toddle around?

Is she cherishing this time, praising God for the extra minutes of knowing you?

I have prayed harder than ever that we will be able to meet her, that she will want to meet us. I want so badly for you to know her.
It's so strange to think that you will have two mothers. She is the one who grew you and loved you first. I am the one who will watch you grow up and teach you to speak a language she cannot. She will give you her features, her beauty, and her mannerisms. I will be the one who gets to snuggle with you and do your hair and teach you to read.

It's getting close to a year, to the day that the Lord first pressed you gently into my heart, like a tiny seed pressed into the ground. I didn't know then how it would happen, how it would all work and turn out. Almost one year ago I couldn't believe that I could ever be the mommy of a little brown skinned girl from across the world. And now, I know that all my life, the Lord has been preparing me for this, to be a mom by birth and adoption.

I hope you are able to snuggle extra close to your first mommy. I hope she is taking the time to breathe you in and savor you. Let her. Enjoy it while it lasts.Pretty soon, you will have to learn a whole lot of new things. But I hope she knows that you will be safe, and loved, and that she will always hold a special place in this family.

I love you and I love her too.

xoxo Mommy

Dear Zoey (Letter #4)

Dear Zoey,

I haven't been able to stop myself from thinking about you these last few days. There is that feeling again of someone missing. I have to count everyone, and they are all here, but still someone is not. It's an uneasy feeling. The first few times I felt that way, it was a little scary, until I figured out it was you.

Charlotte is growing impatient for you. She wants to know when you will be here. She wants me to make you dresses, and buy you babies and shoes and candy.

We are getting ready to plant the garden. The seeds make me think of you- how they start in the soil that is the only place they have ever known, until one day they are moved and replanted somewhere else. Will they handle it well? Will they get used to the change and grow and thrive? I'm a little nervous, I don't really know what I'm doing. But I know that it will be worth it.

The days are longer and brighter and warmer and we are playing outside more. It's beautiful here. I wonder if you will like climbing trees like Charlotte, or playing catch like Ethan, or chewing rocks like Caden. What will you think of sidewalk chalk and tents and reading books?

We are so close baby girl! So close. It's so hard to wait on other people to do their part so we can do ours. But soon we will be actually officially Waiting. I try to tell myself that that will be the easy part, when everything is out of my hands and we are only waiting for a phone call.

Sleep tight tonight, I wish I could kiss you and tuck you in myself.

Love, Mama

Dear Zoey (Letter #3)

Dear Zoey,

I've been wondering how old you will be when we get you.

I want so badly to get these papers done and sent off to your country so that we can find you. Hopefully it will be this month.My mind thinks that as long as its all finally out of our hands, maybe it will be easier to wait. For now, we wait on other people who don't have connections to you and who don't really care to get their things done so we can send it all in. We are so close.

7-11 months seems like an e-t-e-r-n-i-t-y to me. Just like it seemed so long to wait to have Ethan, or Charlotte, or Caden. For-ev-er.

Maybe it will be October and we will have you by Christmas. Maybe it will be 2012 before you come home. Oh, I wish I could scoot on into the future and see what happens!

I love you so much.

I keep thinking about you, and the longer this goes on, the less I try to guard my heart and let myself daydream. Because I know you are real, and that you will soon be here.

I think about what your skin will look like next to mine as you sleep in my arms-

what a beautiful pair we will be, mother and daughter.

I think about how I will buy matching outfits for you and Charlotte and how cute you both will look when we go shopping just us girls.

I wonder if you will be small enough to wear in a sling, and I think about tickling your little brown feet as they peek out. Or will you be walking already?

I wonder what we will have missed out on, what you will have accomplished with no one to write it down and put it in a baby book. ( we have one for you already-your Queenie gave me one for Christmas!)

These weirdos cannot wait for you to get here.They are making plans. They thank God for you already when we pray at night. You will never be bored or lonely here baby girl.

I can't wait to see you. Whether you are a tiny baby or a big girl doesn't matter at all. I just want you here.

How can it be that what I feel for you is exactly the same as how I felt for Ethan, Charlotte, and Caden before they were born? It doesn't make sense at all. That's God baby girl.

We miss you and we can't wait to meet you.

Love, mama

Dear Zoey (Letter # 2)

Dear Zoey,

I've decided to write you one letter a month. I like this idea, of writing to you. It makes you seem more real, and it helps me know that you really are out there, not just a dream I had once.

I'm not the only one who has dreamed about you. In mine you were older, between Charlotte and Caden in age. You had beautiful chocolate skin and wild hair and you were running around in Charlotte's jammies. You smiled beautifully and fit in perfectly. I've dreamed about being there in Africa too, all the sights and sounds I've only read about were so real. I've also seen things about you I don't understand, maybe they won't end up being true, but I wonder...

Aunt Abi dreamed about you the other night. She said you were very young, but you knew your name, and daddy brought you to me and when he introduced us, you told me your name was Zoey.

They ask about you all the time-

When will you get here?

Why does it take so long?

I tell them I don't know, that God does, but I don't. That is very hard. I wish I could see how it all plays out-how long it takes, what you look like, where you come from, how we are able to even pay for it all. But I know that someday we will know, and it will be an amazing story, one that praises God and maybe even encourages other families to adopt.

I've started collecting some things for you. Is that silly? I don't care. I guess my thinking is I would do the same if I was pregnant with you, so why not? Just little things that I imagine you would like. Charlotte is still very concerned that you don't have anything, so she is enjoying planning for your arrival too.

Also, I love you. That's a crazy thought to everyone I'm sure, but I do, and that's that. I can't help it.

Whatever happens over there, however it is that you end up where you do so that we are brought together, know that you have an army here praying for you, wanting you and loving you. You may be lonely, but you are not alone. You are not forgotten or abandoned. Whatever the reason for you not being able to stay with your birthfamily, know that they must love you unfathomably to put your needs above their own desires to keep you with them. I cannot imaging the heartache they will go through.

I pray that God will whisper this hope to you, hope that is to be but isn't yet : that you have a family forever. We have been chosen to be together since the beginning of time, and though you may despair for a little while, you will soon be here with us and we will be yours and you will be ours. I pray for your birthmom too- that she is healthy and safe and will be able to see you grow up with us. I want her to know that her sacrifice was not in vain. And I want you to know your heritage and your story. Someday,when you ask me who you look like, I want to be able to tell you.

I love you baby girl. Sleep good tonight, wherever you are.

Love Mommy

Dear Zoey,

I wanted to start a journal for you. I should have done it months ago. You will soon find that I am a procrastinator, and a very good one at that.

This way I can add pictures and pretend that you can see them, wherever you are.

And while I'm at it, I will pretend that it's just you and me-writing and reading, as if you can read right now, English, or anything for that matter.

So here is my first letter to you.

Dear Zoey,

This is a new year for you baby girl! I wish I knew what you look like. I wish I knew where you are, and how it will be that you will end up here with us. I am trying to be patient and not rush your daddy with the paperwork, but my heart feels like hummingbirds have taken over and I just want to go to Africa and find you now. It feels like there is someone missing in this family and I don't like it. I know that the Lord patterns our steps, but sometimes it is so hard to hear about how 'it's all in God's timing' because I don't always want God's timing, I want mine, and I want it right now...although I know that is true.

I hope you like us. We sure like you a whole lot. We have been praying that God will whisper to you that we love you and we are coming for you. We pray for you all the time. We talk about you every single day. Ethan, your big brother, wants all your friends in the orphanage to have families too, and he's always making some little drawings or papers to sell to make money for them. Charlotte cannot wait to have a sister. She names her babies after you and talks about all the fun things she wants to do with you- like share her bed and teach you to make cookies and get you a pretty carseat so you can sit next to her in the car.She's very concerned that you don't have anything to call your own so she's ready to share her blankets, babies, and shoes with you.

Caden is a little indifferent now, but he will love you, I know it. He will enjoy having someone to pick on and tattle on, but it's ok because he really is a softie and loves everyone.

Just a warning, we are not rich or famous. Sometimes you might hear the name "Angelina" thrown around in the orphanage, so don't be dissappointed when you show up and you have to share a room with someone. Or when you see that we only have one bathroom. We have a lot of love, and so far, everything else seems to be working out just fine.

There are alot of other people here who can't wait to meet you. You are going to be somewhat of a celebrity yourself, at least at church. It's amazing to see all the love for you that our friends and family have. I can't wait to show you off!

Only the Lord knows what this year will bring. I hope and pray that you will be able to come home before the year is done. I pray for your birthmommy all the time. She is a pretty special lady, and we won't let you forget her.

Although I don't know where you are or who you are, I have a picture of you in my mind, and you are beautiful. You are my daughter and I love you.

Love and hugs,
Mommy

see how loveable we are?

(don't worry, we don't actually look like this)