I've decided to write you one letter a month. I like this idea, of writing to you. It makes you seem more real, and it helps me know that you really are out there, not just a dream I had once.
I'm not the only one who has dreamed about you. In mine you were older, between Charlotte and Caden in age. You had beautiful chocolate skin and wild hair and you were running around in Charlotte's jammies. You smiled beautifully and fit in perfectly. I've dreamed about being there in Africa too, all the sights and sounds I've only read about were so real. I've also seen things about you I don't understand, maybe they won't end up being true, but I wonder...
Aunt Abi dreamed about you the other night. She said you were very young, but you knew your name, and daddy brought you to me and when he introduced us, you told me your name was Zoey.
They ask about you all the time-
When will you get here?
Why does it take so long?
I tell them I don't know, that God does, but I don't. That is very hard. I wish I could see how it all plays out-how long it takes, what you look like, where you come from, how we are able to even pay for it all. But I know that someday we will know, and it will be an amazing story, one that praises God and maybe even encourages other families to adopt.
I've started collecting some things for you. Is that silly? I don't care. I guess my thinking is I would do the same if I was pregnant with you, so why not? Just little things that I imagine you would like. Charlotte is still very concerned that you don't have anything, so she is enjoying planning for your arrival too.
Also, I love you. That's a crazy thought to everyone I'm sure, but I do, and that's that. I can't help it.
Whatever happens over there, however it is that you end up where you do so that we are brought together, know that you have an army here praying for you, wanting you and loving you. You may be lonely, but you are not alone. You are not forgotten or abandoned. Whatever the reason for you not being able to stay with your birthfamily, know that they must love you unfathomably to put your needs above their own desires to keep you with them. I cannot imaging the heartache they will go through.
I pray that God will whisper this hope to you, hope that is to be but isn't yet : that you have a family forever. We have been chosen to be together since the beginning of time, and though you may despair for a little while, you will soon be here with us and we will be yours and you will be ours. I pray for your birthmom too- that she is healthy and safe and will be able to see you grow up with us. I want her to know that her sacrifice was not in vain. And I want you to know your heritage and your story. Someday,when you ask me who you look like, I want to be able to tell you.
I love you baby girl. Sleep good tonight, wherever you are.